I’m in the midst of a major mood change and it’s the middle of the night, so I just wanted to let stuff off my chest. I know people always say shit like “don’t apologise for being you” but I always feel the need to. I want to be this girl who likes to joke around, be creative and just someone that people gets on with… but I feel like my mental health gets in the way.
My anxiety is something I can deal with. It’s really bad, but I can accept having anxiety. But it’s my cyclothymia that fucks me around. It’s a form of bi polar and even though it’s been around 6-7 years since I was diagnosed, I feel like it’s changing. They say you’re supposed to outgrow it when you get to your early twenties, but for me it’s like it’s not going away at all… from what I was told, if it doesn’t go by a certain age then it’s just bi polar.
You see, I can never just have a normal mood swing. I’m either on a real high, where I’m hyper, excitable, laugh at anything and everything (it’s called manic mode) or on a real low, where I’m really down, upset, closed off and sometimes suicidal. I’ve been trying for years to try and control it and I always want to play it cool around friends – like I have some amazing friends and while I’m not close to them all, I still wanna be someone they’ll like and get along with and think “oh yeah, Jazz is cool” but I’m always a mess.I’m too hyper and I think it pisses people off. I think it pushes people away or makes them think I’m crazy. I am crazy, I guess. But I don’t mean to be. I feel like I can’t be in a stable “play it cool, be normal” mood. Ever. And it’s like the harder I try to be, the worse it gets.
It doesn’t just affect my social life, but how I work, too. If I’m working on a project or idea or something, I’ll put 120% into it when I’m in manic. I’ll go to the ends of the Earth and back again to do something. I’ll do so much, put in so much effort and just keep going and going, which to some people is a bit too much. And then, when I’m in depressive, I won’t do it at all. I’ll find the task so unbearable, like you’re asking me to find out a scientific formula which the world is depending on but I can’t do it.
I feel like I always have to apologise because I’m never “acceptable” or I’m never “appropriate”. I want to be. I try to be. And trying makes me exhausted. It’s a lot to put my mind into focusing to not go into one of these major mood swings. The mood swings alone make me exhausted, but trying to be “normal” makes it even harder. But I have to try… because I feel as though I desperately need to be in the middle not to upset or annoy anyone.
I’ve tried all sorts of medication to try and help me, but I’m getting tired of it. I’m getting tired of medication wearing off, I’m tired of trying to put into words what’s going on in my head and I’m tired of professionals not listening to me… I just wish I was normal….