Journal, Uncategorized

Do you really mean it? 

Do you really mean it? You know, when you claim to be the friend who will be there for me to talk to when I’m battling my demons?
Because here’s the funny story – we become friends, end up earning trust to a level where I can open up to you about my difficult battle and you say “well if you ever need anything or someone to talk to, I’ll always be here for you.”
But, as the nights turn dark and lonely with only the company of my violent and deadly thoughts that consume my mind and take over my rationality, I try to prepare for the war and when I call for back up, it’s like I’m invisible to you. I’m hiding behind my small shield, using my useless dagger to fend off any villainous emotions and feelings but as I call out to you in my time of need, you fail to response. I give a cry once, twice, three times but alas, you fail to support me and there I stand, consumed by the enemy who I am too weak and frail to continue fighting and so I let them win and take over. I side with them as I receive my punishment for simply existing. You chose to ignore me and I cannot blame you because who really wants to be dealing with someone else’s problems? It’s just misleading that you’ve made a false promise.
One day, you and I will distance and you will go on to live your life unscathed and I shall continue this repetitive fight but one day I fear things will go too far and I will lose this ongoing war and you are not to blame. But I beg of you, please do not try and play the hero when I have fallen. Please do not say those dreaded words: “if only she had talked to me I was always there for her” because despite my absence on this Earth the reality of it all will be a secret we share – that I was a burden on you and you simply did not want to deal with that. And that’s okay. But don’t take on the role of the mourning knight in shining armour for the attention you do not deserve for the false pretensions you have given. 

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Journal

I’m sorry I’m me…

I’m in the midst of a major mood change and it’s the middle of the night, so I just wanted to let stuff off my chest. I know people always say shit like “don’t apologise for being you” but I always feel the need to. I want to be this girl who likes to joke around, be creative and just someone that people gets on with… but I feel like my mental health gets in the way.

My anxiety is something I can deal with. It’s really bad, but I can accept having anxiety. But it’s my cyclothymia that fucks me around. It’s a form of bi polar and even though it’s been around 6-7 years since I was diagnosed, I feel like it’s changing. They say you’re supposed to outgrow it when you get to your early twenties, but for me it’s like it’s not going away at all… from what I was told, if it doesn’t go by a certain age then it’s just bi polar.

You see, I can never just have a normal mood swing. I’m either on a real high, where I’m hyper, excitable, laugh at anything and everything (it’s called manic mode) or on a real low, where I’m really down, upset, closed off and sometimes suicidal. I’ve been trying for years to try and control it and I always want to play it cool around friends – like I have some amazing friends and while I’m not close to them all, I still wanna be someone they’ll like and get along with and think “oh yeah, Jazz is cool” but I’m always a mess.I’m too hyper and I think it pisses people off. I think it pushes people away or makes them think I’m crazy. I am crazy, I guess. But I don’t mean to be. I feel like I can’t be in a stable “play it cool, be normal” mood. Ever. And it’s like the harder I try to be, the worse it gets.

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